Day 16

Psalm 69
²⁹ I am in pain and distress;
       may your salvation, O God, protect me.

Tonight was Wednesday, I look forward to Wednesday's because I serve as a leader for our church's high school youth group (IGNITE, woot-woo).  I love going and talking to kids, seeing them grow in their love for God, worshiping with arms held high having no other care in the world but being there with God, and sharing in fun n' fellowship.   Normally Wyatt is with the grandparents and Camden stays with me.  Camden has such a blast; he gets passed around, loved on, and always dances then falls asleep to the loud ear pounding sounds of worship.  In the last few days Camden has started to set a bed-time for himself which happens to be about 7:30pm.  I have been digging it because he goes down and I get a little bit of mommy time to wind down by myself or with Jacob.  Tonight I was not a fan.  He barely made it to 7:10 when he started to fuss and cry.  He was tired and ready for boobie n' bed.  I know it sounds horrible to admit I wanted to stay at youth group but I did.  I wanted to spend that time with the kids I love, but Camden was not going to allow that to happen.  I rushed him out of there and got him home in time to change him and feed him before all heck broke loose (in the form of Camden wailing). 
At first I wanted to feel awful for wanting to stay, but realized that sometimes our thoughts and actions don't go together.  Of course Camden comes first and his needs, I deeply love and cherish him and would never deny him of his needs, but I selfishly wanted to stay and have fun, to play and talk, to share and goof-off.  I think often people can blend the line between what needs to be done and what wants to be done.  Tonight I followed the "need" and left the "want" behind but I can remember many times when I chose the "want" first.  Watching Camden while he drifted to sleep soberly reminded me that he is my need and want right now (which I wouldn't trade for anything, one look at him and I want to stay in that moment forever).  Even though I may have had a fleeting selfish thought of wanting to stay I was quickly brought back to the reality of my true want and need.  I hope when I look at Camden drifting to sleep I can also be reminded of not only my need for God, but my deep down desire and WANT for God.  He is my savior and redeemer.  He should be my driving want and need, seeing Camden tonight made that clear.